Empty Days, Nose Wrinkles

It’s cool and gray outside, with slight streaks of pale blue brightening the sky. There is some sort of bird chirping, and the sound of tires over pavement – it sounds like the morning, and I have images of myself bustling about my apartment, brewing coffee, showering, getting my things together, driving off to work.

What such a drive might look like:

(Also, it’s really amazing how many pictures people take of their morning commutes from inside their cars).

I miss that sort of purpose and movement that is pre-built into the day when one has a job or goes to school. You’d think it would be wonderful to have nearly everyday completely free and open, waiting for whatever you want to fill it with, and it can be, but when you see endless strands of these days stretching before you into forever they can start to feel empty instead of open.

It is 8am and I’ve been awake-ish for a couple hours. My sleep patterns for a month or so have been terrible – staying up into the wee hours, sleeping until 11 or noon. I’ve been occasionally taking FibroSleep from the enjoyable site ProHealth (they donate some part of their proceeds toward FM and CFS research and send out a newletter with useful info), which has melatonin & valerian in it and makes me sleepy 2/3 of the time, but I’m concerned about taking it regularly. So it’s a bit exciting to be unexpectedly awake so relatively early, but I dread the toll it will take on me physically later, as I didn’t go to bed any earlier than usual. My brain simply started chattering, and when it’s in such a mood there can be no fighting it.

Here’s a lime jello brain:

Yesterday I made a cake, so that’s exciting and should help with the probable misery I’ll be in later. (How could it not?!). I made the chocolate cupcake recipe from Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World (which they easily could do),

but I made it as a cake instead because it’s slightly easier and I feel like it tastes different although clearly that is impossible. I also made the vegan cream cheese frosting recipe from the same splendid cookbook, with a slight change in vegan cream cheese to butter ratio.

Here’s the cake without the frosting (not terribly appetizing yet, p’raps I’ll post another picture when it’s prettier):

If you recall, many moons ago I wrote about my chocolate/sweet things cravings and how they increase exponentially when I’m in a lot of pain (which I feel like has psychological and chemical implications – after all, carbs/sugar increase serotonin levels). So, in the last year I’ve gotten really into *vegan* baking, in part because it seemed fun and interesting, but mostly because it was a way of indulging my cravings while knowing exactly what I was eating and not feeling gross about it. If you are unfamiliar with the magical world of vegan baked goods, let me assure you they can be even more delicious than what you’re used to, or at least comparable. You are missing out! Get yourself a cookbook!

Like this one!!

Or, just wait a little while for me to open an online vegan bake shop and I will mail you dessert!! This is something I’m seriously thinking about doing – I could share the sweetness with the world, have more excuses for baking, and have something to feel excited about/look forward to. I just need to bake lots of things I want to offer in the shop, photograph them, and then put the shop together. I’ll keep you updated! There may be cheesecakes and cobblers in your future!

Here, for instance, is a vegan raspberry cobbler I made (yes it’s the same pan):

I’ve been reading an excellent poet lately who I’d never heard of before – Lisel Mueller. My mum gave me the book for x-mas, and honestly I didn’t have much hope – usually when people give me poetry it’s rarely the sort of poetry I’d like to read (ie it’s truly awful). This time, however, I was shocked and delighted!

In similar news, I’ve been writing more, which is fantastic and makes me feel more like myself, makes the world feel less heinous, and makes my life feel more like my own. Not that any of the writing’s any good, but I try to remember that’s not the main point and it’ll happen on its own when it damn well wants to, probably when I’m not trying so hard and am just engulfed in the process. Kind of like looking at certain stars, how you can’t see their light if you look directly at them, but if you look just off to the side as though you’ve forgotten about them you can see the smudge of brightness.

Also, the way Whitney Port (from the questionable tv show The Hills) genuinely smiles, causing her nose to wrinkle considerably, makes me swoon. I will try to find you a picture of this phenomenon. OMG I found one!! Not the best example, but still, the lovely Whitney with her cute nose wrinkles!!
(Please ignore the girl on the left):